with purpose

Though I am not at home right now, I know that most surfaces in my bedroom are covered in a thin film of charcoal dust. It didn't strike me fully until I picked up a notebook and noticed that my fingertips had been smeared with black. I have been animating lately, and the tedious process of surface-adjustment stop motion animation is a messy one-- all scribbling and erasing and smudging and dusting off of charred vine and calcite chalk and graphite and loosened paper fibers. Today I will buy a proper mask from the local art store in town, not one of those basic "dust masks" that, even in wearing them religiously, still somehow leave me sore-throated and coughing and pneumoconiosis-symptomatic.

Yes, I want this project to be done, and equally so, I want nothing more than to scrub and power-wash everything. I have a little over a week of work time left.

Leafing through stacks of old documents yesterday, I realized how much the process of writing has continuously helped me to synthesize facts and deal with the stress and worry I so characteristically take on. I re-read some of my old poetry. It's funny how that works with me-- some pieces I realize are crap while others are vindicated. Most often, it's some combination thereof (i.e., I sometimes find gems in my writing amidst its piles of dirty socks).

Here's an excerpt from the first poem in a small series of pieces about my father and paternal grandfather. I use apples as a metaphor through which to explore their relationship, and my relationship with them.

"Grandfather first planted the saplings,/ knife roots gouging themselves deep/ into the Michigan soil. His sons later/ took on the burden of harvest, picked/ up fallen fruit in a storm of sharp/ words that, to my father, tasted bitter—/ like swallowing dark seeds full of cyanide./ No wonder he ran away at age seventeen/ to a desert where no apples grew, to paint/ still life after still life of perfect fruit, to grow/ capable of bruising his soft, red-haired wife."

My own analysis? Well, I feel the true strength in that segment starts at "No wonder" and not a moment before. Keep that, toss the rest? I might just have to rewrite this one, now.

Meanwhile, in the land of sound, I'm working on two projects. One is supplemented heavily with samples shared by the good folks at freesound, another is completely digitally programmed. I've a spoken word MIDI manipulation piece due this evening, and a remix due after that. For those of you interested, I'm working in Reason, DP by MOTU, and PureData.

And so, that all aside, there's also the question of teaching, preparing for my new class next semester.
Building syllabi. Writing teaching statements. Developing statements of purpose.

I like that phrase, and that idea: a statement of purpose.

That there is purpose behind what is said.

It also reminds me of the principles of mindful speech present in much Eastern philosophy, where words must pass through three gates (questions) before they are allowed to be spoken. According to this doctrine, you must ask yourself: Is what I am about to say kind? Is what I am about to say necessary? Is what I am about to say true? A fourth inquiry articulated by a 19th century philosopher asked whether speaking would improve on the silence at all.

I know I need to act with purpose more than I do presently, let alone speak and think (for what is thought, but internal banter?) with purpose.

Proactivity? Essential.

Stagnancy? Not allowed.

three seasons later

How to best summarize the months I've neglected to mention?

After Sundance last winter, I ended up spending some time in Utah, then moseyed back East where I made a stop in Pittsburgh. I spent a good portion of the spring between West Virginia and Kentucky finalizing the documentary, which we screened in-- what was it, mid to late May? Somewhere before then, I got word that I'd been accepted into a Digital Art MFA graduate program at Indiana University.

And here I am. I've been living in Bloomington since June, and I'll be here for at least three years.

Summer was slow and steamy, and in August I moved out of my temporary housing situation and into Skylab, a great old house from the 1920s that I hope to stay in for the duration of my graduate career. I'm not very good at accumulating furniture, so my studio hasn't really come together yet. That said, I do have a bed and a clunky old drafting table. It's a start.

I've gotten to know this unique little town over the past few months, and I'm finally starting to settle into life here. Bloomington has a remarkably vibrant music and arts scene considering its size and geography, and its eateries are notable, too. I've also managed to connect with wonderful people. I feel like I'm starting to establish a community. It's not huge, but it doesn't need to be. I'm not in a bad place. I'm slowly getting where I need to be.

Grad school, meanwhile, has been another adventure altogether. I'm struggling, admittedly, with the steepness of the learning curve-- I'm the only new student in this program who doesn't seem to have a formal digital technology/art school background. I studied literature in college for christ's sake. That said, I'm surviving. I'm not failing, just having to work extra hard. Welcome to graduate school, as my friend Lisa says. I'm also teaching, which is often frustrating with 60+ kids in the classroom. But then again, there are nice moments, and when it's good, it's really good.

Project wise, I've been doing a lot of stop-motion animation lately (a la the style pioneered by William Kentridge, graphite on paper, charcoal/chalk on paper) and sound art through my graduate seminar coursework and in a synth class through the Center for Electronic and Computer Music. Some songwriting, some poetry here and there.

I've realized I need to make music more present in my day-to-day life. Les and I need to play together, soon. Lots of my equipment is still in limbo in West Virginia at the recording studio, so I need to orchestrate a trip there minus vehicle (was in a wreck not too long ago-- my car was totaled and I've not yet replaced it). I'm thinking of maybe taking a bus and then renting a van once I get to WV. I'll figure it out.

Anyway, back to the world of academia. I'm off to a class.

Sundance 2009

This has been my best year out here so far, I think.

Not that things are much better per se than they ever have been as far as the festival is concerned (though HQ is more organized this year, and there seem to be less proverbial fires to put out). The greatest change that I have recognized is one that I myself have undergone.

Not being associated with a college is remarkably liberating. Previous years, I have felt somewhat tied down by being in school, and thus unable to consider actually pursuing any opportunities made available to me. This year I am unburdened by the prospect of returning to classes. It's lovely.

Aside from that, I find that I have much more focus this year. I know what I need to do, and likewise, have a pretty good idea about what I want to pursue in the film world. That said, I've been able to make some remarkable connections because of this clarity. Having the project from this past summer in Africa under my belt has also offered me a touch more legitimacy than I would have otherwise been granted. Now I need a finished product-- and that will come soon.

Anyway, my two favorite films so far at the festival have been: "Bronson" and "The Cove". The former is a narrative, darkly and richly done, about Charles Bronson, Britain's most violent prisoner. I don't know that there's anything about this movie that I didn't like, now that I think about it. Definitely one of my new favorites. Strange humor mixed with artfully chosen musical score (soaring opera, good 80s era electro, and so on), believable fight scenes, and then of course the remarkable performance of Tom Hardy, who beefed up substantially for the role. He looks downright threatening! I hope it comes to theatres soon so that I can share it with all of you. Supposedly it'll arrive in UK cinemas in March of this year. Suffice it to say, I am envious of the Brits. I want to see it again!

"The Cove" is a suspenseful documentary about the Japanese dolphin slaughter industry. It is exceptionally well made due in part to its funding from Lucas Light & Sound out in LA. (Wish all of us documentarians were so lucky!) But that said, it's a remarkable doc- something akin to Captain Planet meets Ocean's 11, and the lush cinematography doesn't hurt, either! It won the Audience Award at the festival for Best Documentary if I'm not mistaken -- and that award tends to go to genuinely good films.

If my opinion changes or these two are usurped by some other film(s), I'll let you know-- but so far I'm pretty solidly in love with "Bronson," and "The Cove" is worth seeing, too.

Right, more post-fest. All my love.